Grief's Journey: Personal and Universal

The subject of grief has received much attention and formal study in the last fifty years. An understanding of the "stages" of grief (what most people experience in one form or another) goes a long way towards understanding and living with this painful emotion.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is acknowledged as the pioneer in grief studies. Her 1969 book On Death and Dying broke new ground in examining this experience. Since then, much has been built on this basic framework, which remains as a foundation for understanding.

Kübler-Ross had a remarkable career as a psychiatrist who specialized in working with people who were dying. Her model of grief emerged from talking with people who were facing end of life, which, at the time, was a bold action. Her model includes these stages, which can occur (and reoccur) in any order, and last for varying periods of time:

Denial: "This is not happening. I am fine." When receiving a shocking diagnosis or news that a loved one has died, our initial response, on some level, is often refusal. This may be silent or spoken, and varies in intensity.

Anger: "Why me?" is sometimes seen as a natural reaction to painful news. It feels unfair. Only in more recent years have we shifted thinking to acknowledge our universal mortality by asking "why not me?"

Bargaining: Seeking a way to avoid the truth of a difficult situation, we sometimes engage in bargaining. "But I will stop [whatever behavior] and then it will be ok." We hope to delay or change the significance of painful news.

Depression: Depression is a natural response to a challenging situation of unwanted news. Experienced by people who are ill and their circle of care, feelings of hopelessness may last for a long time.

Acceptance: Accepting a new reality and all it entails. This is not necessarily the same as being “ok” with what has happened.

A few myths about stages of grief:

•       “Five stages are linear.” Stages can repeat themselves over time, in any order.

•       “You will experience all five stages.” Everyone is different. You may skip a stage or two.

•       “Five stages only occur once." Feelings can return days, weeks, years later. Generally they tend to reappear less often and pass more quickly over time, but the feelings can be just as powerful.

Resources

Find Elisabth Kübler-Ross at Wikipedia or visit her Foundation here.

Grief studies have evolved to include such challenges as ambiguous loss and anticipatory grief. Find more resources at Mayo Clinic's Unnamed Pain: Coping with ambiguous loss

Dr. Pauline Boss has developed extensive programs to help us understand the depths of ambiguous loss. You can find her program and book here.

The Cleveland Clinic offers an understanding of Anticipatory Grief here.

David Kessler worked with Kübler-Ross and has expanded the stages to include finding meaning in grief. He offers workshops and resources on grief. You can find him here.

Enchanted Sky Hospice understands the complexities of what it means to be at end of life, whether for the individual or the people who love them. One benefit of hospice care includes grief counseling and support, which can be beneficial in understanding this universal experience. Reach out to us if you have questions or need support.